Fire Tribe Gathering

Summer Solstice 2002 Fire Tribe Gathering
Summer Solstice Was Wonderful

By Lisa Hee

Summer Solstice was wonderful. I said that already. I haven't processed anything yet being still totally exhausted but happy today, and also dealing with one the most worst days at work... So this is pretty much, well...

Nance called me that morning, we met at Borders to review the almost 100 page users manual about the damn thing, realizing that we just need to get off our bums and get packing if we were ever to get out of the city. Went to my house, where, not being prepared, I couldn't find my sleeping bag but all was well with a big comfy comforter and lots of blankets. Headed out to Safeway for more munchies and stuff to make our potluck dish. Potluck dish: my yummy pasta salad with artichoke hearts and feta. Some of you have had it before...but I cheated and bought dressing instead of making it.

We finally got over to the other side of the island by 5:30 pm. We met this lady at the gate who had a hard time opening the combo lock (it was weird) and followed her to the site. We took a wrong turn (we were following the directions from the web) and drove up to the old WWII military bunkers. It was a beautiful view...

Finally some ATVer rescued us and pointed us in the right direction. Saw lots of cows. Baby cows, big cows. Cows everywhere. We found camp (cows were not near camp), said hello, registered and started setting up the tent. The lady we drove in with set up her tent next to ours. It stared pouring just as we got ours up, and I helped the lady next to me with her tent. Her tent was the same as ours, but it was new and she's never set it up before. We get them both up and get our stuff in just in time for dinner.

Dinner was potluck. There were many other kinds of pasta salads, mainly vegetarian. I made a whole stock-pot full of pasta salad and it was pretty much whacked. We met a whole bunch of people, most of whose names I forget instantly. I'm doing that all weekend, asking for people's names. They are very into chants here. We learn a neat chant before dinner, which we also immediately forget and try to reconstruct later... I feel like I'm in a Madeline L'Engle family, where they sing and chant before dinner, after dinner, for fun. I like singing.

So far there's only about 30 people. Everyone is very friendly and welcoming. There are lots of people who have come by themselves.

After dinner, gathered in the Hammock Garden, which is an open-air structure with a roof and dirt floor. It has open beams perfect for hanging hammocks from, which N. and I enjoy all weekend. We've decided to all rent a house together (with another friend,) with a yard and or lanai where we can hang hammocks. We decide not to buy furniture and just live in hammocks... There we had what had the first of many "informational sessions" where the council basically lectures us about fire circles, what to do, what not to do, etc, and builds the mood. They talk about Fire Tribe being non-denominational. We talk about all the different gods and spirits that would be visiting us that weekend, and everyone imaginable is named, from the Christian God to Kali to Kahala O Puna, to Jesus. Someone had made really beautiful batik prayer flags on silk with all different kind of religious and world symbols on it. Later that week another person even gets us singing what sounded like a Christian hymn. It was beautiful.

They are really into these "informational sessions" Basically, it's to tell people how to behave in a fire circle. A fire circle is not a mosh pit, please express yourself but be mindful of yourself and others, drummers, pay attention to the mood and flow of other drummers... Stuff that seemed kind of boring and obvious to me, but experience from other drumming circles have taught me that it only takes one ignorant newbie to really soil a good time by either getting hurt, hurting someone else, or at the least, just being really annoying.

It also occurred to me that most of the purpose of ritual is to set the mood. Mood doesn't come naturally being in a beautiful place or listening to beautiful music, but it's an active thing that humans create and nurture. From stop signs to religious rituals, every behavior is a social construction that people need to buy into and maintain.

I kept on thinking all though the weekend that most of this is hokey stuff that my Ex would instantly start rebelling against and hate just because. He has such a knee jerk reaction to drinking the kool-aid that he doesn't realized that a) this kool-aid is not going to kill him and ) the kool-aid actually tastes good and he should just relax and enjoy it without worrying about not being cool. I was kind of glad he wasn't there.

We go off to rest and goof around meeting more people and the ritual for the first drumming circle begins. I'm awkward at first, I always am. So I kind of stagger around till the drumming catches me. They are good drummers. OMG. I am at what must be the pinnacle event of drumming on this island, and damn, these are good drummers. There are almost as many drummers as there are dancers, which is odd. Usually, there are more dancers at a non-drum event, then at a drum event, there are only a couple of dancers. This had a good mix of both.

So camp was in the Hawaiian Village, a couple of grass shacks they use for some touristy purpose or another, about halfway up the valley in the picture above. There's a line of trees going down the middle of the valley that's a stream. The fire circle and other ritual tents were on the other side of the stream, which is kind of nice, we crossed a cute bridge and babbly stream to get to ritual space.

Lots of trees, it was also really cool and overcast most of the time. It rained really bad one night and morning, enough to get everything soaking, but no enough to disrupt or stop any activities. And the rain is warm!

So we made friends with the lady next to us, and we hang out with her all weekend. She's pretty neat, is very spiritual and knows a lot of people on the island.

Singing bowls. These singing bowls are BIG. The sound is deep and loud, in your sternum loud, and echoes throughout the valley. There were different sizes with different tones, you could pour water in them and change the tone....

Went to bed before the drummers on the first night because I was tired and was saving energy for the second night...

Saturday activities were pretty fun. Breakfast was again potluck, no singing, we sort of just wandered by and picked up stuff to eat and dropped off our stuff. It was very informal. Sat through another informational session. Some classes, one on chants and singing, which was fun. Michael is a very good teacher, and everyone is encouraging. Everyone is encouraged to sing, and also to start chants. They say that if you are afraid to start one yourself, to find a friend to help you, sometime all it takes is two people to start. And I saw some people do that.

Another thing that stuck me as different was how unstructured everything was. Besides all these 'informational sessions" everyone was encouraged to help out and contribute energy. The group turned out to be small, only 50 out of the 80 because of the rain. The Council kept on saying that they were just guiding, not leading. Leaders of events were call "space holders." Everyone was encouraged to drum (though I didn't, I really want to take classes or something. I kept to dancing, though I did pick up a rattle now and then) but this mentality was totally necessary given the small turnout and smaller council. There were no staged productions where we just watched. Everything was participatory. Nothing was really difficult, or put you on the spot, but all was a kind of "growing closer" and well, illuminating for me.

I wanted to find community. I wanted to find friends who were open-minded, witty, accepting, creative, exciting, caring, and fun. Part of what kept me off the island so long was that I felt so bound here growing up. Ok, part of that was being raised in an Asian-American family, but most of high school in the 80's was, well, binding. Art school was ok, but that was only for one year. I remember during our first intermediate school dance, I was taken aside by my so-called friends and told that I move my hips too much when I dance (this was when their only exposure to belly dancing was on I Dream of Genie). I totally remember feeling so sad and humiliated. I found so much freedom in Bellingham and Seattle, and was afraid to give it up. I was sad about leaving my friends in Seattle.

This is my thing. Dancing with drummers around a bonfire under the stars is most favorite thing in the universe. My dancing is some odd combination of Brazilian, Caribbean, African, Belly dancing, Modern (of course), Latin ballroom, Hula, Tai Chi, Butoh- practically every single class I have taken in my life. It's a blend because sometimes I don't remember them all too well, so it becomes my own. Amber remarked about my painting, that I just go for it, mainly because I already have a picture in my head. Dance is different, I don't know what it will look like, one form leads to another and all sorts of variables affect movement. Not just the music, but other variables like the grass under my feet, little rock I step funny on, the dancer in front of me, the weight of my elbow, the beat, a smile. I choreograph the same way. I don't work it out in my head, but on the floor.

One of the activities was the Web Building, which Ana explained as having to do with some theory about a web connecting everyone on the earth... something. We all took a piece of colorful string and tied it to other pieces of string and stated our intentions for that weekend. Mine was to be a link and also find release. I thought I was a good link between them and the rest of the local community and well, also as an example that us local people understand too. We're not all uptight and traditional. I also wanted release because, well, I want to be released of this freaking moody roller coaster shit that the break up with the Ex has thrown me into. I talked to some people a lot about the evils of co-dependency. One of the strings came from the big FireTribe gathering in Santa Cruz.

I found people and friends. They do this often, in smaller venues too. Drumming on the beach. Drumming in parks. I am so there. I think I want to drum. I want to learn to drum, too. I've been on the dancing side all my life.

Then various people had little workshops, much like the bookmaking project we did at the coast. I went to Amber's mask-making workshop. We painted plastic masks with acrylics and glitter, but well, I like painting. I made one for Nance. Nance learned how to make ti leaf and haku leis. She made me some for the goddess ceremony later. It was unstructured on purpose, just a big block of time for all the workshops, and people could go from one to the next within that time. The cool thing was that we actually did stuff, rather than just sitting around listening about stuff other people did.

There was lots of free time where people were encouraged to sleep. Nance and I went on little hikes exploring the valley. We did yoga. I went on a little walk with Ana, and little walks by myself too.

I should not have been afraid to come by myself, though I was really happy that Nance did come and had a great time with her. I was afraid mainly because well, the skyclad discussions. I shouldn't have worried though. Everyone was so nice and caring. It was a good mix of older people, families, children, and people my age. There were a lot of couples. It did not feel meat markety at all. And if people were hooking up, I kept out of it. No unwanted propositions, though lots of friendly conversations and hanging out isms.

A dancing workshop. Nancy and I were goddesses in the opening ceremony for the main dance sat night. We helped open the second night. Some of the girls speny a ton of money on drapy sheer fabrics, sparkly things and paero. I wore the one Vivian gave me a million years ago. I was using it as curtains in my last apt in Seattle if anyone remembers. Nance and I decided to be earthy water goddesses with plain green hakus. Kay remembered that I escorted her in the circle when we were saying goodbye and that really touched me.

Phae's little girls called the quarters, it was really cute.

We danced under the stars that last night.

We danced with the stars.

and the bubbles....

Nance and I had brought our Chris pictures. Her Chris was her old boss she's been fighting with these last couple of months. Mine was of Chris (the Ex) in London looking really grumpy. Really really grumpy, wearing the sweater I bought for him in Michigan. It was perfect.

We had the choice of either tying the picture to a frame that we also tied pouches of tobacco to with prayers, and intentions to be burnt later, or just casting it into the fire.

I had no idea what I wanted to do with it. I kept it tucked into the waistband of my bike shorts, under the paero. I wasn't really to let it go though. I didn't know if I was just tired or emotional or what, but I couldn't burn it. It seemed so final.

Sometime in the middle of some weird interpretive dance thing I was doing it popped out. So I started dancing around it. I thought about the pain of separation, how I felt so trapped and constricted sometimes, how I was losing myself in him. I thought about how much I missed him, how much I would give just to bury my face in his chest one more time, how right I felt when I was in his arms, how much fun we had exploring the world and each other. I thought about his fights, how he judged me, his criticism, his bossiness. I thought about losing love and my fear of never finding true love. I thought about how he made me feel truly loved, in his little happy dances, in the sparkles in his eyes when he looked at me. I thought of the four years we spent together, how they have been the best years of my life so far. I thought about all the happiness I had every day just because I knew he loved me, and how much it hurt when that was taken away. I danced around big scar that was left in my soul. How I turn around to tell him something and he's not there. How I can close my eyes and feel his chest against my cheek, how I can still remember his scent...

I put this all into my dance. I don't know if anyone noticed, much less understood, but it was for me, the fire, and the stars.
Then I gathered the picture up and all it represented and threw it into the fire. Nance did the same with her picture.
We watched it burn. Cleanse. As it disappeared, I felt my old life leaving. It hurt. I let out a thrill that turned into a scream with tears streaming down my face. A couple of people then started yelling too, which was kind of cool.

My eyes cleared up after that scream. A whole bunch of things cleared up after that scream. I looked around at the people dancing around me. I looked at the beautiful people moving, most not paying attention to us, some of them looking at us. Nancy came over to hold my hand. I took in the talented dancers and I took in the talented musicians. I took in the stars above and the gentle breeze. I took in the people standing on the sides with rattles and the people talking. I took in the fire.

I thought about how and why I have not danced very much in the years I spent with him, and how much I am dancing now. How much more of myself I feel now. I thought about the closer relationship I have with my parents, my grandparents, brother and aunties. (The time I have spent with them and the understandings we have now is already worth more than a mountain of gold.) I thought about the beautiful land around me, the familiar Koolau Mountains, the bird song that I wake up to every morning that reminds me of my childhood. I thought about all the places I've seen and experienced. I thought about caressing cool Manoa breezes, warm ocean water, and the warmth of the sun. I thought about my old Hawaii friends, my Seattle friends, my Bellingham friends, people I met all over the world, and my new friends that are helping me create this wonderful life. I felt the mud mixed with soft grass under my toes, I felt the beat of the drums in my body...

And I danced around the bonfire, under the stars, and with the bubbles.

Text: ©2002 Lisa Hee. No part of this may be reproduced in any form without express written consent of the author.